Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
