I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
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i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
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Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I wear drunk well.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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