i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
