You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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