I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
