If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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