If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
