I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
