all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
