If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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