How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
