apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
