im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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