I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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