I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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