I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
