The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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