I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
