Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
