So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I love you. Go after that dick
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize