I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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