can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
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When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
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No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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