if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
