woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Operation Purity has been aborted
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
