Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
