just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
