masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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