wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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