it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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