Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
