You smell like a Billy Joel song
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
