Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
