I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
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Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
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You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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