Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
