One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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