There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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