Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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