i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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