He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
