woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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