I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
