She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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