he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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