oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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