she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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