sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
