I can text with my tongue
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
