last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
