Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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