I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
