is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
