Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
