I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
