my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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