piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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