i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
