And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
