i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
