If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
