The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
did i walk over a car last night?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
