"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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