Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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