once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
