I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
